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Neighbour Pranks
My neighbor liked to stare out of the window at me.
I dedicate this page of pranks to her. My dear, stupid neighbor.
Hazel, this written apology from my heart, is for you. I hope that it brings back memories of playful neighbour pranks from when you still lived next door to me.
I’m sorry, Hazel. I’m sorry for putting all those chickens in your car. I didn’t realize that chickens would make such a mess in there and make your car smell so bad.
My apologies to you, for waiting until you went out so that I could remove the door handles from your front and back doors. I meant you no inconvenience at all, for that.
It was uncalled for Hazel, for me to wallpaper your hallway with dirty magazines, knowing that you had an Amway meeting that night and pouring your bottle of detergent in the top of your garden hose. I honestly didn’t mean anything, that.
The whole throwing rocks and dog-eggs at you while you watered your plants was rude and burning the crotch from those big old knickers on your washing line was not nice, either. I realize that now, and I am sorry.
I was out of line Hazel, to tell your daughter that you had died. And for when I glued the milk bottles down, on your doorstep and smashed them four weeks later while you were busy investigating how your back door caught fire. I still reckon it was bad wiring.
When I sold your car, please know that I did mean to give you the money for it, and so I hope that you will accept my version of true regret, as a full reimbursement of your loss. The times that I called you repeatedly were not entirely my fault. Not thinking clearly, I was tired because it was so very late at night.
Although it was funny to me, freezing your anxiety pills in a bowl of water was not nice and I am sorry that I had no interest to visit you in hospital. I was going to send you flowers, but you hadn’t grown any more since the diesel thing that I did to your soil.
When I painted your footpath and clothesline with honey, I meant you no specific harm. Had I known that you were allergic to ant-bites, I would have probably not laughed as hard in your face, while you cried. For that, I apologize.
Putting lifesavers and stock-cubes in your shower-head and hair remover in your shampoo was not nice of me and varnishing your soap was inexcusable.
When I put coat-hangers under the bottom sheet of your bed and the locking petrol-cap on your car, I felt remorseful. I stopped adding your phone number to public toilet walls. I did that because I care, Hazel.
Chopping pieces out of your washing line and throwing your bras on your roof, made me feel bad for you and cutting your garden hose into small pieces may also, have been wrong of me.
It was out-of-character for me to do such a thing to your property Hazel and you know that I think neighbour pranks are immature.
When I gave out your address as a drug-dealer, It was because I thought that you needed some company. For all of the misunderstandings, Hazel, please accept my apologies. Pretending to be a home-invader, I will remember that last prank the most.
For the memories and the chats we had. The laughter and the restraining orders, I’m going to miss you, Hazel.
R.I.P. Hazel Oldtitties 1843-2010
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